Relationship advice

Hello all, i know some may say asking for relationship advice on a internet forum may not be the smartest thing to do, that said i will take the responses to this thread with a grain of salt. On to the point. I have to talk to someone or im going to go insane. My Girlfriend just broke up with me. We have been going out for 3 years and have been living together for the last 2 years. I get home from work yesterday and she says we need to talk, i figure ok, nothing major since things seemed to have been going fine. Then she says i need some time alone, i ask what do you mean, i thought we had enough time apart and i thought i was in no way spending too much time with her and that i thought we both had our personal time. Then she says she needs to be alone for a while, she will not give a reason other than she needs to find herself and find some direction in her life. I would like to note that she has been depressed for the last few months because her dad is dieing from cancer, i have been doing everything in my power to help her though that. I then told her well cant we face anyhting that may be happening together? and work it out just like we always have in the past, and she just says the same thing, she needs time alone to find herself. I ask what i did or what can i do and she says its nothing i have done, i have been perfect and it is her that has a problem. Which i point out is even more reason to have someone to help you though it but she is not buying it. I talked to her this morning and its is now confirmed, there is nothing i can do. Im watching everyhting i have been building for the last 3 years crumble to dust before my eyes and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. What do i do now? i feel like there is a hole the size of canada in my chest and anything i say to her now only makes things worse(if they could get worse) Sorry to drag on like this but letting it all out helps. I was out with my friends last night and they are very supportive and my dad is comeing over in a hour maybe he will shed some light on the situation. Anyhting you guys may have to say feel free, im all ears. Thanks.

Nathan

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i will take the responses to this thread with a grain of salt

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Good idea.

That said, I'll give you my 2¢. Quite a few people may not want to even get near this thread, but I'll weigh in.

Tell her that you care deeply about her and will support her in her decision, and you'll be there if she needs you. That's all. Then do it and mean it. I'll say that again: then do it and mean it.

Let her go and "find" herself. Accept the fact that this is completely out of your control and the only thing you can do is be courteous, caring, and considerate. Don't hold a grudge, simply accept it and give yourself time to adjust to the change.

Make no mistake, it'll be very tough at first, almost as if someone close to you has passed away. Expect that you will go through the same emotional reactions. You will get over it, it will take time. You need to be tolerant with yourself and give yourself the needed time to adjust.

Hang out with your friends for support and let them know that you're going to need their support for a while. If the're really your friends, they'll understand and help you through this.

Best of luck.

i know exactly how you feel, your whole life is upside down. cut your losses now, it's over. this time alone stuff is a cover, something else is going on.

you need to start immediately making preperations to save yourself from losing alot of $$'s. if you've given her a ring get it back, any money owed you're probably just out of luck. if she's not on the lease get her out, if she is make arrangments for the both of you to get out. things of this nature.

it sounds harsh but hangin on and being strung along will only make it worse on you and get pathetic. she's made herself clear, well foggy clear. she doesn't have it in her to be blunt and tell you it's over, chicks do this sort of thing, so she is trying to sugar coat it and make it easy.

i'm very sorry to hear this. trust me, you'll get over it and move on. once you do move on you'll realize you dodged a bullet and be free.

there's no substitute for life experience.

Thanks for taking time to respond to this, i am aware most people will not go near this thread, im glad you did. Time heals all wounds, i understand that, this however is going to take ALOT of time. Im not sure i can keep it together enough to be nice to her, its all i can do now not to blow a gasket or 2. I will try though, i owe her that much no matter what she is doing. My friends understand the situation and my 2 best friends are the only thing keeping me on my feet right now, without them i would be a crumpled heap right now. My dad is going to be here soon and im going to talk to him, i will end up moving back in with my parents till i get a hold of myself, i need all the support i can get and my parents will help. Thanks for taking the time to talk, it helps.

Oh yea. Backing up part of what tkl said... When I say "be there for her" I mean emotionally, not monetarily. tkl brings up a good point. You do have to protect yourself financially, and quick. Be sure to talk to your dad about that. That's just the way it is.

this is in response to tkl, i read his post after posting my previous post. You are right, i am making arangements to get the hell outta here, i will move back in with my parents for a while to get back on my feet. I also think this this time alone crap is a cover and would give anything to know a cover for what. At the same time i do have feeling for her, i do love her no matter what she is doing and all i want to know is what is really going on, thats whats tearing me apart. Thank you for your support, good adive, look out for number one above all else.

Nathan

Ok... I was going to stay away from this 'cuz it appears to be a guy thing... but... didn't anyone see this line?!?!?

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I would like to note that she has been depressed for the last few months because her dad is dieing from cancer...

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Uh... just a guess here but the "something else that's going on"... ya reckon it might just be this?!?! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ohgeez.gif

Nathan... move out... give her space... but do NOT start listening to people who are going to try to tell you that she's got someone else in the wings and she's a ***** and she only wants your money, blahblahblah... she is hurting Nathan... geez, her Dad is dieing, FCOL!! ... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif You seem to be close to your Dad... how would you feel? I know myself that I don't necessarily need someone around to "help me through" my depression. Sometimes time alone is what is needed. If you love her, let her have her time. Do NOT badmouth her to others... that's seriously low class.

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Rifter said:
this is in response to tkl, i read his post after posting my previous post. You are right, i am making arangements to get the hell outta here, i will move back in with my parents for a while to get back on my feet. I also think this this time alone crap is a cover and would give anything to know a cover for what. At the same time i do have feeling for her, i do love her no matter what she is doing and all i want to know is what is really going on, thats whats tearing me apart. Thank you for your support, good adive, look out for number one above all else.

Nathan

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brother, you probably don't want to know. man i'm sorry this is happening to you.

this is spooky, my dad came over immediately too and helped me gather up my stuff and move back in.

i understand the anger too, she's female and there is nothing you can do about that. SUCK IT UP, don't let her see you get emotional. DO NOT SPEND A MINUTE LONGER WITH HER THAN YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TOO. don't get caught in the "let's talk" trap again. it's over, period. don't get strung along. this was hardest for me to understand, i went back, and prolonged what was going to happen anyway.

go out with the guys, i'm guessing you'll have extra money and time now. i didn't realize how much my ex and her kid were draining me! i bought myself things i couldn't afford while i was with her and went out and had fun. i enjoyed life again. you can do it, hang in there. what doens't kill you makes you stronger.

leaving my ex was the best thing that could of happened to me. i got to do the things i needed to do at that point in my life. i learned from my mistakes and picked up alot of life expereince. a few years later i met the coolest lady in the world /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif we've been married for 3 years and i couldn't be happier.

I saw it, and I agree that it could very well be a big part of her reasons for needing time alone.

Notice I said "protect yourself" financially, not that she was going to purposely rip him off or anything. However, things can turn ugly in a heartbeat. Not that they will, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

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Do NOT badmouth her to others... that's seriously low class.

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I concurr. 100% correct.

Nathan,

I hear you, and my thoughts go out to you. I have no words of advice, athough you seem to be getting some good advice already.

I just didn't want you to think that by not posting, I didn't care.

Bruce

Sasha is correct!! This is something she has to work through on her own, UNLESS, she asks for help. Let her know she can contact you and where. Then let it be.

I just hope she is not heading for Clinical Depression and/or Withdrawal.

Right now, you need to manifest Agape: The Love that does NOT seek to Possess! (and a bit of Filios: friendship).

Possessiveness leads to jealousy, which in turn leads to rage and hate. You are there IF she needs you, but, don't follow her.

IF the 2 of you are to get back together, it WILL happen on its own.


Btw, if I sound like a Priest here, I am one, as A Melchizedek.

Good advice from all. I agree with everyone...especially Sasha. Give your girlfriend her space. Be there if she needs you (emotionally not monetarily), let any communication be on her terms and initiated by her. Also, go on with life. Go out with your friends, meet people. When you're ready, start dating.

This situation is out of your control. Do not harbor resentment toward her. She's going through tough times. Help her if she wants it but do not get pulled down into her depression.

Good Luck and I'm sorry.

this has nothing to do with her dad's situation. if it did, she would draw closer to you and rely on your support.

my family recently was affected by cancer and it's brought everyone closer together.

Everyone reacts differently to these situations. If you truly love her, and it sounds like you do, do as she asks. I am one of those individuals who must handle situations like this on my own. I don't know her so I can't say if she's the same...but it's certainly possible.

Sasha
You bring up some good points and i understand where you are comeing from. Im going to give her space(like i really have a choice in the matter). And you are right, my friends are telling me she probably has someone else and that she is just not telling me about it, personally i dont think she does but it is possible, anything is possible since she wont tell me anything. Im not going to badmouth her to others because as you say, that would be low class and no matter what she has done i still love her. I just finished talking to my dad and he brought up some very good points, i have new angles to work on, but if she keeps up the same story there is not really anything i can do. My dad also said make sure to cover my own *** first and is willing to give me all the support i need. Thanks again guys.


Edited to add: Thanks for all the support guys, i go away from the computer for a hour while im talking to my dad and come back and see all these responses, it makes a brighter picture of the worl when i realize there are people out there that care, there are people out there that have been though this and life goes on. I am going to try to be as civil about this as possible, i do think she owes me an explanation but there is nothing i can do to pry it out of her, i have to ask and wait for it. Thanks again guys. You can really cheer a guy up when he needs it.

Hello Rifter,

I am sorry to hear of your present situation.

You have been given a lot of advise and support here, and remember to feel free to lean on you dad and you friends.

I just want to add that Love comes from Friendship, and Friendship comes from Trust.

If she was a good friend, trust her and let things play out.

Tom

Fist of all, don't listen to me, you'll have to listen to yourself and at the end of the day it's yourself that you have to live with.

Which is why you can't do anything fast or drastic. It sounds like you want to see this through. You've got a lot of time invested in this relationship already, so a little more can only be good.

But don't wait forever.

Being depressed when the situation you're in is horrible is normal. Being so depressed that you cannot cope and live your life is not normal and may be clinical. No amount of space or time will change it if that is the case. I have to agree with tkl that the response in my family would be to offer each other support and not isolate ourselves. That makes me thing that more that one issue is at work.

I hope things work out and that she gets the help she needs. If you can help then all the better. It's possible that she just wont let you help though. She is an adult and you can't make her see a doctor or take the support that you can offer.

And I commend you for posting! Too many people think that their experience as a human is too different. While all of us are unique, and your situation is unique, we're all human here (at least most of us, you can't really tell on the internet) and I would have to say that most, if not all of us have been through situations similar enough that we can sympathize even if not truly understand. Accept our support for you!

All my best and good luck!

It sounds like one of the issues here is that you are hungering to know what is going on and why. I can understand that. One option you have, and I am not exactly recommending this, but one option you have is to do a little investigating to find out. Investigating a loved-one is not exactly good for the soul, but sometimes you just need to know. Before you move out, you may be in a position to gather some information. In fact, a friend of mine recently walked into a Radio Shack and walked out with everything he needed to tape record his home phone line. He recorded a heart-to-heart chat between his wife and her best friend that answered all his questions. At least he now knows what the situation is and can make sound decisions. I should mention that this particular technique is illegal in most places, but there are plenty of legal ways to gather information if you put a little thought into it. However, it will probably be better for you to forget about the "why" and just accept the "what."

Good luck. I have been in your shoes and I can say that you will recover and be better for it in the long run. Time heals all.

Thanks for all your support guys.
As to the investigating lurker suggests. I have put some serious thought into this and decided I can not bring myself to spy on her like that. If she will not tell me then thats fine, its not my choice to make, i will move on and live life one day at a time untill i can build something else with life. Like i said to my dad I will survive one way or the other, but it would be great if i could survive AND know what the hell is going on /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Being alone and isolated is certainly not the answer, maybe after a few days alone she will realize that your support and help is what she really needs.

Two friends of mine were in a very similar situation a few years back, three days into a trial separation they found out how much they missed each other and are now closer than ever.

Hopefully something similar will happen to the two of you.