I decided to start a thread on this topic because I think it is a separate discussion than the pandemic itself. I've noticed my attitude is changing on several levels and, in some areas of my life, I am becoming a person I don't really like all that much. I know others are experiencing changes and issues also, but with staying home and venturing out only when absolutely necessary, and then having very little interaction and contact with others, it is very easy to feel completely alone. And to feel that you are the only one. But we are not alone and we are not the only ones. I hope we can share our experiences here and perhaps help each other feel a little less alone.
First, when the whole mask thing started I was inclined to not wear one. Mostly because it's so damn hot here and I know how I am when I feel like my breathing is being hindered or restricted. I stayed home mostly and when I went out, I did not have a mask. Honestly I have no opinion at all on the subject of masks - people should do what they feel comfortable with... and mind their own business. IOW - I think mask-shaming (whether for wearing or not wearing one) is disgusting and yes, THAT will get my ire up in about a half second flat!
So now that being said, my town is now in the "mandatory mask in all businesses" phase. I bought a couple of masks. Last week I ventured out for the first time to a local grocery wearing my new mask. Within 15 minutes, I was sweating profusely and quickly escalating into a full blown anxiety attack. Standing in the check out line I looked around and saw many people without masks and just as many wearing them incorrectly. I started to feel a bit of resentment. I was doing my part, I was voluntarily subjecting myself to extreme discomfort, and WHY?!? I checked out as quickly as possible, got out of the store and went home. On the way home as I started to calm down, I felt shame for the resentment I felt - that is NOT me!... or at least it didn't used to be.
Today I went out again (no, I hadn't been out since that last incident) - this time I had to go to a mail center to mail a package. There were at least three signs on the door saying "No Mask, No Service". No worries. I had my mask. Already had it on before I opened the door. Quick in, quick out... I'm good. The employees were wearing masks - correctly, all of patrons were wearing masks and standing on the markers on the floor for social distancing, more signs at both registers on the plexiglass separating the employees and the patrons, as well as on the walls behind the employees and even taped to the counter - "No Mask, No Service". Ok... I'm still good... starting to sweat a little bit ( it's 108 out there today). Then I see an older woman (ok maybe she was about my age) being waited on.. and she had no mask on. And I felt myself get angry... I mean.. REALLY ANGRY! I wanted to yell "what's the point of having the signs if you don't enforce it?" But I didn't. I moved up, mailed my package, got the hell out of there, and ripped off my mask as soon as I could.
And so now I am struggling.... who is this crazy person who used to not care one way or another with the "you do you, Boo!" attitude? I don't like this person at all! It is not me. I do not shame people for ANYTHING. I still very much believe in "you do you, Boo." So is this change in my attitude part of the anxiety I feel when wearing a mask? What is it going to take for me to get over the anxiety?
And I am also sad... because there is this one bagger at the grocery who always makes me smile - she always wears this pretty little tiara headband to hold back her glittered hair and she has pretty glitter eyeshadow on. She is simply a happy, beautiful unicorn. As always I thanked her for bagging my groceries and I smiled at her... then almost cried. 'Cuz she couldn't see my smile. So I told her... muffled through my mask... "You always make me smile with your beautiful tiara and makeup when I come in here. I just wish you could see it instead of me having to tell you". She gave me a muffled "thank you" and I left feeling very very sad (and now sweating like a pig!) at where we are in this world right now.
I am changing. I am becoming a person I don't like. I am becoming not me. And I am seriously hating all of the anger and violence and yelling.
Note: this post is NOT about masks (whether to wear them or not). It is about how we are changing as a society and what this pandemic is doing to each of us personally.
First, when the whole mask thing started I was inclined to not wear one. Mostly because it's so damn hot here and I know how I am when I feel like my breathing is being hindered or restricted. I stayed home mostly and when I went out, I did not have a mask. Honestly I have no opinion at all on the subject of masks - people should do what they feel comfortable with... and mind their own business. IOW - I think mask-shaming (whether for wearing or not wearing one) is disgusting and yes, THAT will get my ire up in about a half second flat!
So now that being said, my town is now in the "mandatory mask in all businesses" phase. I bought a couple of masks. Last week I ventured out for the first time to a local grocery wearing my new mask. Within 15 minutes, I was sweating profusely and quickly escalating into a full blown anxiety attack. Standing in the check out line I looked around and saw many people without masks and just as many wearing them incorrectly. I started to feel a bit of resentment. I was doing my part, I was voluntarily subjecting myself to extreme discomfort, and WHY?!? I checked out as quickly as possible, got out of the store and went home. On the way home as I started to calm down, I felt shame for the resentment I felt - that is NOT me!... or at least it didn't used to be.
Today I went out again (no, I hadn't been out since that last incident) - this time I had to go to a mail center to mail a package. There were at least three signs on the door saying "No Mask, No Service". No worries. I had my mask. Already had it on before I opened the door. Quick in, quick out... I'm good. The employees were wearing masks - correctly, all of patrons were wearing masks and standing on the markers on the floor for social distancing, more signs at both registers on the plexiglass separating the employees and the patrons, as well as on the walls behind the employees and even taped to the counter - "No Mask, No Service". Ok... I'm still good... starting to sweat a little bit ( it's 108 out there today). Then I see an older woman (ok maybe she was about my age) being waited on.. and she had no mask on. And I felt myself get angry... I mean.. REALLY ANGRY! I wanted to yell "what's the point of having the signs if you don't enforce it?" But I didn't. I moved up, mailed my package, got the hell out of there, and ripped off my mask as soon as I could.
And so now I am struggling.... who is this crazy person who used to not care one way or another with the "you do you, Boo!" attitude? I don't like this person at all! It is not me. I do not shame people for ANYTHING. I still very much believe in "you do you, Boo." So is this change in my attitude part of the anxiety I feel when wearing a mask? What is it going to take for me to get over the anxiety?
And I am also sad... because there is this one bagger at the grocery who always makes me smile - she always wears this pretty little tiara headband to hold back her glittered hair and she has pretty glitter eyeshadow on. She is simply a happy, beautiful unicorn. As always I thanked her for bagging my groceries and I smiled at her... then almost cried. 'Cuz she couldn't see my smile. So I told her... muffled through my mask... "You always make me smile with your beautiful tiara and makeup when I come in here. I just wish you could see it instead of me having to tell you". She gave me a muffled "thank you" and I left feeling very very sad (and now sweating like a pig!) at where we are in this world right now.
I am changing. I am becoming a person I don't like. I am becoming not me. And I am seriously hating all of the anger and violence and yelling.
Note: this post is NOT about masks (whether to wear them or not). It is about how we are changing as a society and what this pandemic is doing to each of us personally.