Funny sayings

[Big_Ed]

Today as I was using the bathroom, I suddenly remembered a saying from when I was a kid.

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be neat and wipe the seat!"

What other funny or clever sayings do you know?

 

[DonShock]

One of my favorite sayings, I think I read it in one of my RA Heinlein books:

"Stupidity is a capital offense."

 

[gadget_lover]

Also ( I think ) from a Heinlein book:

Stupidity is it's own reward.

(Think of the fool who's last words are "Hey! Watch this!" )


Daniel

 

[ABTOMAT]

"Can't swing a dead cat with hitting <topic>"

"Every man and his dog has <topic>"

"Slick as a cat's ***"

"Better than a sharp stick in the eye"

"As fast as poop through a goose"

 

[flashfan]

"The nice thing about egotists is that they never talk about other people."

"A clear conscience is merely the result of a bad memory."

"Your temper is one of your most precious possessions. Don't lose it."

"Deja moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"How did the fool and his money get together in the first place?"

 

[Flying Turtle]

Here's one for us older guys. I'd like to give myself credit for it, but I probably heard it somewhere. :shakehead

"I've forgotten more than I ever knew."


Geoff

 

[Big_Ed]

Here's one for us older guys. I'd like to give myself credit for it, but I probably heard it somewhere. :shakehead

"I've forgotten more than I ever knew."


Geoff

Sounds like something Yogi Berra would have said!

 

[jtr1962]

From my maternal grandfather:

"Beans, beans the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot."

"Here I sit so broken hearted. Paid a dime and only farted."

One of my favorites (I think Einstein said it):

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

 

[Big_Ed]

From my maternal grandfather:

"Beans, beans the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot."

There's more to that one. Here's the version I learned:

"Beans, beans the musical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So eat more beans at every meal!"

 

[shakeylegs]

A frequent greeting heard from my 99 year old grandmother -

"The things you see when you don't have your gun"

I still crack-up when I remember the looks on peoples faces after hearing this from her sweet innocent face

 

[Beamhead]

Here's one for us older guys. I'd like to give myself credit for it, but I probably heard it somewhere. :shakehead

"I've forgotten more than I ever knew."


Geoff

The variation I heard repeatedly from my dad growing up was..."I've forgotten more than you will ever know".

And this old chestnut "this will hurt me more than it will hurt you" :whoopin:

 

[Nitro]

After someone would greet my dad with "Hey, it's great to see you.", he would say, "Yeah, it's great you got to see me.".

 

[spock]

saw a sign in a cafe. " good judgement comes from experience. experience comes from bad judgement! "

 

[Burgess]

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



_

 

[Lite_me]

(Nothing is foolproof, fools are too ingenious
"People with no vices usually have annoying virtues."
"Some will leave a mark in this life and others will leave a stain."
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it."
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."
"It is a shame that stupidity is not painful"
"If everything is going right....you've missed something."

 

[tiktok 22]

The sign on the door of opportunity reads "Push".
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
He who angers you conquers you.
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
Everyone is a prisoner of their own experiences.
To keep your secret is wisdom; to expect others to keep it is folly.
Money isn't everthing, but it sure keeps you in touch with the children.
An optimist is a man who, Instead of feeling sorry he cannot pay his bills, is glad he is not one of his creditors.
He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak.
Always keep your words soft and sweet- one day you may have to eat them.
Nothing in the world annoys a person more than not being taken seriously.
Those that seek trouble always find it.
Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though you wish they were.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, unless your locked in.
TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained by people you wouldn't have in your house.
Following intuition takes zealous glory, ever reminding all to live defiantly.
Revenge is a confession of pain.
Installment credit has made buying easier, but paying harder.
"Given a conflict, Murphys law supercedes Newtons."
"Some drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle"
"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail"
"Remember: i before e, except in Budweiser"
"Murphys Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it"
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice"
"After all is said and done, usually more is said"
"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art"
"Be alert.....the world needs more lerts."
"Support a lawyer...become a doctor (or a cop)"
"Strike a blow for justice....punch an attorney."
"What you cannot enforce, do not command"
"Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh"
"Nonconformists are all alike"


"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, ****, and Colon. --Comedian Chris Rock

 

[tiktok 22]

Just found this, I think it was from Georgia outfitters:

Military Humor with a P-38 reference (see #60):​

Lessons of a Vietnam Helicopter Crewman
1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if it was a good idea.
2. Helicopters are cool!
3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ***.
7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
8. Letters from home are not always great.
9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.
10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.
11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.
13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
14. If being good and lucky is not enough, there is always payback.
15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
17. The B.S.R. (Bang, Stare, Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.
20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
21. Gravity may not be fair, but it is the law.
22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.
24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.
25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.
29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.
31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
32. It is always a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.
33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.
34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.
35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.
39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.
40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.
41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.
42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
45. Being shot hurts.
46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.
50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.
51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.
53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.
54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.
55. Cocoa Powder is neither.
56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.
57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.
59. If you have extra, share it quickly.
60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.
61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.
62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.
67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.

 

[Dr Jekell]

Hmm let go into my patented storage compartment & see what I can dredge up:

* If brains were dynamite, most here couldn't blow their nose

* The unprepared call it a disaster; EDCers call it RECESS!!! - Lugsalot

* The only easy day was yesterday!

* "A slipping gear in your M203 grenade launcher can cause it to fire when you least expect it. This could make you very unpopular with what is left of your unit."

* "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight"

* Gun Control means hitting your target ...

* Yeah...its all fun and games until someone blows their head off, then it's just plain hilarious.

* "Heavy is good. Heavy is a sign of reliability. If it does not work... you can always hit someone with it"

* Remember, It is going to be an interesting day when you wake up to the sound of helicopters circling overhead...

* Never underestimate the power of human stupidity!

* Rigor Mortis is Latin for "I forgot my survival kit."

* Some people are like Slinky's: They aren't good for anything, but the
thought of pushing them down the stairs brings a smile to your face

* I am NOT crazy! I've just been in a bad mood for the last 30 years!

* Sometimes a man knows its better to not ask questions, especially if he's not sure he wants to know the answers.

* "the only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."

* "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not so sure about the Universe."

* "The World is insane, with tiny spots of sanity here & there.... Not the other way around!" - John Cleese

* The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

* Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines

* Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week

* If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

* "May God have mercy on my enemy , because I won't" G.S.Patton

* A busy day for me is likely a bad day for someone else (medic)

 

[Dr Jekell]

Here's some more:

* I Can't Remember, Am I The Good Twin Or The Evil Twin?

* You Can Send Me To School, But You Can't Make Me Think

* You Say I'm A Freak Like It's A Bad Thing

* You Say I'm Insane Like It's A Bad Thing

* You Smile Because I'm Different; I Laugh Because You're All The Same

* You're Not The Brightest Crayon In The Box Are You?

* Do I Look Like A People Person

* I Didn't Do It, You Can't Prove It, And If You Can I'll Blame The Voices

* I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy It

* Don't Annoy Me, I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies

* Don't Mess With Me; You Don't Want To End Up Under My Patio Do You?

* Sorry I Missed Church, I Was Busy Worshipping Satan

* Take My Advice, I Never Use It

* The Voices May Not Be Real But They Have Good Ideas

* I'll Stop Wearing Black When They Invent A Darker Colour

* I'm Not Me, I'm An Impostor

* I'm Only Smiling Because No-One's Found The Bodies Yet

* Despite The Rising Cost Of Living, It Remains Very Popular

* "This Isn't An Office. It's Hell With Fluorescent Lighting!"

* "Therapy Is Expensive. Popping Bubble Wrap Is Cheap. You Choose."

* "Sarcasm Is Just One More Service I Offer."

* "Stress Is When You Wake Up Screaming And You Realize You Haven't Gone To Sleep Yet."

* "I Am At A Whole New Level Of Pissed Off."

* "Chaos, Panic And Disorder. My Work Here Is Done."

* What Is Difficult Takes Time, What Is Impossible Takes A Little Longer

* Remember Kids; Once The Pin Is Pulled, Mr. Grenade Is No Longer Your Friend

 

[0dBm]

• Happier 'n a possum eating cornbread on a hardwood floor in a mid-August afternoon.
• Shinier 'n a bucket full of BBs on a freeway in a full moon.
• Slicker 'n snot on a greased doorknob.