I can't believe the overwhelming response I've received from my CPF brethren regarding this problem of mine, and for that, I'm more grateful than you even know. The skinny version - I've decided to take the first step and attend a local AA meeting close by to my home this coming Wednesday following my grandmother's funeral. I'm done for good drinking now. You were all absolutely right - for an addict (like me), there is no such thing as moderation. I don't have "cravings" like some addicts do so I'm at least thankful for that. But what I do have is the inability to stop once I've had a couple. I'm one of those "all or nothing" type of personalities regarding alcohol at least. Once I've tasted one or two beers, I'll drink till I break stuff and throw fits and make an asshat of myself. There is no in between for me. Yes I do have a past that I try to suppress and all the alcohol seems to do is bring it to the surface. Like the old saying "drink when you wanna remember, not when you wanna forget". Absolutely true in my circumstance. And like others posted above me, I come from a long line of males in my genealogy who were alcoholics and that sickness killed a few of them including my own father (liver scerosis).
I'm a beer guy through and through, don't touch the hard stuff or wine. But if I can't handle myself and alienate those around me, then I need to be a "no-beer guy" from now on. I'll keep you all updated as I make progress and am very grateful for the support you've shown thus far. CPF is a magical place.
One of of the biggest foreseeable problems for me is that I know with certainty that without beer in my life, I'll turn into a recluse all over again - subliminally thinking that either I can't have a good time, or others wont find me as enjoyable, without a few beers in my system. That college attitude is what I need to move past. I need to learn how to enjoy the company of others and not need to pop a Xanax whenever I have to attend a family function or BBQ or whatever. The balance between those extremes is what I seek the most. I wanna be able to enjoy the company of others and engage in friendly witty conversation without having an inclination to GTFO at the first opportunity in sight.
It's so weird; I'm the most sociable person in the world in the workplace, both on and off phone. But when I come home, I alienate myself to the basement to avoid social interaction with my brother and his live-in girlfriend. I like her, and consider her as a sister to some extent, but I also hate knowing that she passed judgement on me both verbally and silently when I've been drinking. Mostly since she's the "newest addition" to the household so to speak. My bro knows me all to well but still recognizes I have a problem. But when she points out in public how embarrassing I am associated comments, all it does is feed the fire and he understandably takes her side cause she's sleeping with him. Hey, I get it. But come on. Should I stay in this environment and help him split the mortgage payment, or should I move out on my own and avoid social criticism and the presence of alcohol altogether? That's partly why I'm here, and why I'm attending the AA meeting Wednesday.
Thanks all for the direction so far.