Hogokansatsukan
Flashlight Enthusiast
The Journey of Shorty and Longman
Created by: Hogokansatsukan(Dan)
Created by: Hogokansatsukan(Dan)
Preface: This was done by
a sick and twisted CPFer (me) originally on CPFMP just to sell a couple of flashlights, folks all loved it so much that they demanded it keep going after the sale. It's been moved around a bit, but here it is so I can update it.
a sick and twisted CPFer (me) originally on CPFMP just to sell a couple of flashlights, folks all loved it so much that they demanded it keep going after the sale. It's been moved around a bit, but here it is so I can update it.
Big THANKS to 04orgzx6r for maintaining it here.
I don't care how nice anybody says I am.
Somebody pay the ransom or light gets it!
OK, so terrorism and hostage taking isn't working. My bad.
Now, it's time to up the anti.
I'm going to use sex to sell these lights. That's right SEX. Just like Janet Jackson, my lights had a "battery tube malfunction".
These lights are now going as a couple. You also get that other NT with the nice big firm batteries. (batteries not included with the AA). These are going as a couple only.
The things you have to do to raise some cash around here.
I've tried violence. I've tried sex. What could possibly be next?
DRUGS
Yes, you will get a big dopamine dump by buying these lights.
IÂ'm sorry to say that the two lights have been arrested.
They have now been charged with
2 counts of indecent exposure
2 counts of dealing in child pornography (both lights are under 1 year old)
1 count of having a saleable amount of a controlled light substance (Crystal Light)
1 count of possession of drug paraphernalia (Crystal Light container)
1 count of lighting while under the influence of a controlled substance (Crystal Light)
Thankfully, their lawyer is trying to make a plea bargain with the county attorney using the traumatic experience of being held hostage at gunpoint to mitigate the case. Things may go well for them HOWEVER, the judge set bond which they do not have, and so must await sentencing in the local jail.
Don't make them sit in the jail...
Last night was a long night. The jail is not so nice and an inmate named Ablo, T., part of the Q5 gang from somewhere in Asia, started some trouble in the showerÂ… well, the picture says it all.
Shorty and Longman are doing OK, all things considered. Ablo, T. was put on Â"keep separateÂ" status, and both Shorty and Longman are in the infirmary.
Somebody really needs to bail these guys out soon. I donÂ't know how much more they can take. I also donÂ't know how much longer I can keep this up!
Jail CCTV photo:
Just got word back from the infirmary!
They should be out in general population tomorrow morning, perhaps tonight at the earliest. Remember what happened last time they were in general population...
Somebody help them!
It would appear that the state Longman and Shorty live in, has chain gangs... Please help them before one of them does something stupid!
Working on a "light rail" system of course.
Longman and Shorty blind Boss Led and Captian Mag with their 120 lumens of blinding light, which neither mag had ever seen, and run for the barn...
and hide...
and hide again...
This is where I would once again beg and plead for someone to help them out, but someone has, Kapak, so we will skip the begging.
Boss LED is not far behind...
Boss LED gathers up "the Boys" and storms the barn at nightfall...
Luckily, Longman and Shorty excaped out the back using their .08 lumen setting, and so went unnoticed...
It just goes to show, those who carry mini-mags, usually just are not too prepared.
The Lil' Fellas make their way to the river and find a canoe. Off they go down river... if they only knew they were on the Cahulawassee River!
The lights make shore just before a big waterfall, and stumble upon some locals...
Shorty and Longman stumble out of the woods with their bezels intact... just barely.
They come to a singles cell bar were Longman calls home. He gives their location to Hogo, who lets them know a car will soon be picking them up to take them across the border.
These are some tough lights
After the call. They enter the bar. Longman can't get a date as eveyone can clearly see, he is a double (2AA), but just maybe some single AA won't care.
Let's check on Shorty and see how he is doing.
Suddenly, the bar is raided by the Feds!
Luckily, Longman and Shorty went to use the batteryroom.
Longman and Shorty head to the head... er, bathroom... well, batteryroom.
Not quite sure which door to enter, Longman makes the call.
What?
OMG!!!
Shorty and Longman were so shocked, they ran out the back door of the bar.
Authors Note: Not real sure why they were shocked. They were sodomized in a jail shower and out in the woods as well. Maybe it was because this was consensual. I don't know. I'm just the guy writing this.
Anyway, out the back door they run, thankfully missing the FBI who were still out front.
Unfortunately for our friends, what they find out back is the reason the feds had stormed the bar in the first place!
Yes. A terrorist cell was out back amidst the kegs of lite beer.
What dastardly plan was in the sick and twisted mind of this terrorist? Had he and others crossed through the border between the U.S. and Mexico? Would a chain link fence had stopped him anyway if he did? How did Longman and Shorty actually get back to the border when they had previously been on the Cahulawassee River. Does the Cahulawassee River actually exist? Is Shorty a cross-dresser? How do these lights move around without any visible form of propulsion? Why are you and I forming an emotional attachment to these lights? (DonÂ't deny it.)
Answers to these questions, but not all of them, tomorrow. Probably only one of them actually.
*The views and opinions in this skit are the sole responsibility of the Author. Proctor and Gamble, makers of Duracell batteries, is not a state sponsor of terrorism, does not condone violence as a means to solve problems, does not produce batteries with turbans, bushy eyebrows, and beards, and does not knowingly ship terrorist cells. In fact, they would have preferred an Energizer and that darn bunny be used for this, or a Titanium. Yeah. ThatÂ's it. A Titanium. After all, where are those Titanium batteries made anyway? And look, they are REDÂ…
the terrorist plot becomes known...
Where could these bad, bad, batteries be going...
What will Longman and Shorty do?
Can they stop this indidious plot?
Longman grabs hold of the terrorist's turban and gives it a hard yank, spinning him to the ground. Shorty tips the box, er, truck, ummm car, whatever onto the other bad batteries.
Shorty, in all the excitement, had his battery tube come loose and the terrorist wasted no time in taking advantage of Shorty's situation. He grabs hold of Shorty's spring and pulls!
Will Longman be able to save shorty from disenspringment?
Will Shorty die a horrible death never being able to turn on again?
Is there some shelf princess out there carrying Shorty's child?
Longman grabs the terrorist cell and shoves him up Shorty's... battery tube.
Shorty turns himself on and starts to kill that cell slowly... he he he. He may not be a Milkey Candle, but he knows how to kill a cell.
Longman puts the turban on as a scarf and they both jump in the car/truck/box and head away from the border as fast as a box can go without any wheels or engine...
Suddenly, the box starts to VIBRATE!
Has Hogo lost his mind?
Did years of living in the Midwest freeze his brain?
Are our little friends going to be on "Let's Make a Deal"?
After several more calls, more bad communication, and finally speaking to Longman, I got them on the right path. They are now headed to a city close to Montreal, Canada.
The lil' fellas got a long drive in front of them.
WOW! The little guys made it!
Longman! Watch the road!
Over the river and through the fence, to the bottom of the gorge we go...
Thank goodness that since 1998, all USPS Priority boxes have been equipped with self-deploying newspaper bags and crumple zones.
The two hike off through the desert leaving there biodegradable garbage despite the warning from Chief Frowning Bulb.
Looks like a good place to camp for the night...
What does that blurry sign say?
Thank goodness that since 1998, all USPS Priority boxes have been equipped with self-deploying newspaper bags and crumple zones.
The two hike off through the desert leaving there biodegradable garbage despite the warning from Chief Frowning Bulb.
Looks like a good place to camp for the night...
What does that blurry sign say?
Oh crap! Sucked up in a bright light.
They are not smiling now...
Just what are those aliens up to? Why is there a cow on the ship? Who is that human watching?
Guess we may never know.
Guess I'm stuck doing this for awhile more as only 13% of the folks wanted to see them die and the flashtoons end. That's a pretty high precentage though considering that 4% of the population is sociopathic.
Our lights go walking through the desert looking for civilization. Shorty is in front, of course.
Not seeing anyone around, the little fellas decide to check out a hanger...
Longman and Shorty are separated and proper military protocol is followed interrogating them in order to find out why they are there…
How are things going for Shorty?
The U.S. government, in typical fashion, is using the best technique for the job...
The U.S. government, in typical fashion, is using the best technique for the job...
Thank goodness they didn't waterboard Longman, without O-rings and all.
Waterboarding didn't work, so on to more drastic measures...
Our boys take advice from Beamhead "Quando Omni Flunkis Moritati" and are tossed into the desert. They continue to walk until they find more civilization.
Anybody home. Strange that a nuclear reactor should be deserted.
Our boys take advice from Beamhead "Quando Omni Flunkis Moritati" and are tossed into the desert. They continue to walk until they find more civilization.
Anybody home. Strange that a nuclear reactor should be deserted.
Longman and Shorty continue to look around...
They go into that strange room and what do they find...
Longman and Shorty continue to look through the abandoned building and find some neat stuff that glows in the dark near the reactor core. Cool.
Oops! Shorty must have tripped on those... glowing rods.
Hmmm. What is that alarm going off? Best leave before causing any trouble...
Looks like they made it out just in time. Guess one shouldn't play with things that glow in the dark...
The little fella's continue on their way and finally make it to the Northern border, but something is wrong with Shorty...
OH NO!!! SHORTY DIED!!!
After days of slowing killing the terrorist cell... he (the battery) finally died.
A new cell, this time a non-terrorist one, and Shorty is back on his feet... bezel.
The Canadians are so happy that Osama Dim Battery has finally been killed, that they invite Longman and Shorty to visit the Queen of Quebec.
Here is Tuesday's 30 minutes early.
Sorry Wits' End... The Sylvanias were just crying out to be... Beefeaters.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
She looks kind of... short in person.
Well my friends (fellow CPFers), these skits started on 9-11 and now there are 75 pictures/skits. It has been fun, but highly time consuming.
I would like to thank Kapak, Gunga, FlashInThePan,
>, and brighterisbetter, all who contributed a little Paypal to help keep it going. Kapak contributed quite a bit both in bonding Longman and Shorty out and sending extra funds just to keep the thread alive as well. (Anybody notice about halfway through that Longman and Shorty changed? Kapak has had the original lights for a few weeks now!)Would like to thank you all for the support with your comments, without which, I would not have continued this. It let me know that people were enjoying it. There are a couple left, then I must bow out. Time constraints at work (my partner left for the Feds so I have been covering two jobs with the county and a seperate part-time job). Won't get a new partner for another couple of weeks, so it is 70+ hours a week right now.
Thought about selling Longman and Shorty T-shirts to keep it funded, but even so, I need time to sleep!
BTW, putting the Queen up for sale later today.
So my friends, Longman and Shorty finally make it home to Kapak's house...
The lights go out...
Perhaps the radiation exposure from being interrogated at Tiablo Grabu.
Maybe it was the radiation from the nuclear plant.
I'm sure being bitten by a radioactive firefly was not good.
Perhaps it was something the aliens did.
Our boys have changed into something different. Something we wouldn't understand. Something we couldn't understand. Something, we shouldn't understand...
They seem to have turned into...
Superlights!
Shorty tries to see if he has other "superflashlight powers"...
Shorty thinks and thinks... as much as he is able...
He comes up with his SUPERHERO name...
and Longman helps with his "catch phrase"....
Shorty takes on his new name while Longman is less than enthusiatic.
And so, a new saga begins...
This is the end of The Journey of Shorty and Longman.
THE END... OR IS IT?
Stay tuned for sometime in the not so distant future, or perhaps somewhat distant, for...
THE INCREDIBLE TORCH
HELPING EVERYONE AROUND DANGER!
and Longman.
T.I.T. H.E.A.D. for short... or Shorty.
Yes, time permiting later down the road, I may just start another thread and we can see how T.I.T. H.E.A.D. and Longman do at fighting the dark underbelly of society... starting with the U.S. Senate.
Last edited:
