Teenagers and locked doors

[chesterqw]

lol... well... you see, stress comes from other factors too, you will never know what they are thinking of. you will never know how it affected them by doing something.

and luckily, i have internet but i have no weapons

i am 16 but no, don't have my own room. this computer is in my father's room

i think those teenagers can be saved by flashaholism. by that, they will only on cpf and playing with flashlights. a country that allows guns sometimes can be dangerous...

the is like, judgement day, where things Man created to make their lives better, kills them.

 

[chevrofreak]

a country that allows guns sometimes can be dangerous...

the is like, judgement day, where things Man created to make their lives better, kills them.

your thinking is fully expected considering your age, where you live and the typical social conditioning that happens in schools.....

Guns have been around for literally 500+ years, and machine guns for over 100, but school shootings and the like are a recent development.

Violence and violent behavior has nothing to do with mechanical objects, it is a product of the way a person is raised, the things they experience, and the social conditioning that happens at every school across the world.

 

[AlexSchira]

I'm going to be working with the young fellow in the gym today, definitely have a few more questions about this.
...I'm no going to lie, this isn't the first idiosynchrosy I've heard about in that house. He has a good sense of humor, got it from me, probably. But some of these 'funny stories' he has...
A good six months ago, his school has an early-release day, you go home early. He wasn't aware they even had those in high school, he comes home on the bus ready to explain things to his parents then catch a train down here for some extra gym time. The way he told the story, I knew where it was going. Coming home early...his parents car in the driveway...Once again, this is a case of 'privacy locks' being nice. But here's the kicker, that had me worried.
He walked in on his parents. And another couple. Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like. He walked by their open doorway, saw it, and without a word or reaction walked out, left a note and went down on the train to work out and later told me when I asked him why he was so early.
Now, these incidents by themselves are just a bit irking, nothing THAT deviant. But now that som of you have questioned if this is sexual, I knew I suddenly wasn't imagining things, and feel this is a real problem.
...Could this kid have a modesty complex, because his parents are the polar opposite to a sick extent? Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but this has gone from coffee-talk to something case-specific.

 

[Diesel_Bomber]

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[Diesel_Bomber]

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[Blazer]

Nobody gets to lock up their rooms with a key to keep family out. If I want to get into my kids rooms, there had better not be a padlock on the door or I'm going to get the sawzall and go through the wall. That being said, if my kids want their privacy I will respect it up and to the point where I suspect there is something I should know about. Then I get to be the Dad and your privacy will get stomped on.

Agreed. There needs to be a line between Dad and friend, unfortunately for the kids most of the time Dad wins. They'll understand when they have kids.

I wouldn't even make the effort of the sawsall, makes more of an impression on a kid's mind when the door gets kicked in.

 

[AJ_Dual]

I'm starting to see where you're going with this. Him walking in on his parents in "group activity" is very, very, uncool.

I'm not a prude, and I consider myself mostly a Libertarian. So the whole "consenting adults" thing carries a lot of weight with me. However, if that's "their thing" fine, but if they've got kids, it is their responsibility 110% to be sure it does not affect them.

You're right to wonder if the boy's modesty complex is a reaction to his parents. Seeing stuff like that can screw up a kid either way, turning them into a neurotic prude as a defense mechanisim, or creating an "everybody does whatever all the time" attitude that could get him in trouble. Worst of all would be a sort of a contradictory combination of both...

So even with a reasonable expectation the kid would be at school, having the "get together" at home was still insanely irresponsible. And while people do dumb and embarassing things all the time, it happens, but It can't be that great a hardship for them to have gotten a hotel, so the poor kid had absolutely zero chance of figuring out what his parents do for fun.

And since you mention "other stories" it sounds as if there's other behavior too..

In this context, the stepfather's actions are a bit more distrurbing. It could be innocent, hippie free-love stepdad thinking that if he hustled out of there it would shame or freak the poor boy more, or just misguided, trying to enforce a men's locker room attitude with the boy so he get's over shyness. (A bad idea, but still a pure motive).

But in light of the irresponsible uh, er... group activity, there's now a thread of a chance that the stepfather standing around while the poor kid crouched naked behind the couch could be an attempt at "grooming" the boy for more. None of this rises to the level of reportability, and if you did, it'll go nowhere in the end, and the boy will lose you as a friend.

I'd just keep the lines of communication open with the boy, and let him know he can tell you "anything" with confidence and confidentiality. Don't tell him that you'll get the authorities involved if he tells you something "bad enough" because he'll just hold out when he needs help the most. "Breaking the trust" when it's serious enough to warrand doing so is an adult decision for you alone.

 

[jtr1962]

Never had my own room until my sister moved out when I was 26 so I can't comment on the teenagers and locked doors. I shared a room with my brother until then. I don't remember there being a lock, but the truth is that we had no TV in the room, PCs and the Internet didn't exist when we were teenagers, so I can't imagine a locked door being that big a problem. My sister had a lock on the door to her room, although I suspect it was mostly because she was too embarrassed to have people see the room in the messy state it was usually in. Needless to say, my parents never worried about us taking drugs or anything else as we all couldn't even stand the smell of cigarette smoke.

I feel children and teenagers live up to the amount of trust given them by the parents. Those whose parents need to keep them on a short leash by monitoring them with cell phones, looking at their computer activities, searching their rooms, etc. will generally live up to the lack of trust by doing forbidden things at the first opportunity, often for no other reason than to rebel against their parents' excessive control.

As a teenager I don't recall my parents monitoring my activities, asking when I would be home, or anything of that nature. I was allowed to ride the subways alone when I was 13 even on days when I didn't need to take them to school. Sometimes I stayed late after school with my friends. When I would walk in at 7 or 8 my parents simply asked if I had stayed late with my friends after school. I answered yes, and that was the end of the discussion. It also helped that I went to a specialized high school where my peers were of somewhat higher caliber than most typical high schoolers. I never dreamed of abusing the trust put in me. So long as I continued to get good grades I doubt my parents would have questioned anything I did. Frankly, I just didn't see the appeal of the "bad boy" thing anyway. Drugs just screw up your body. Things like porno and sex quickly get old.

I do have a lock on my bedroom door now (the kind which needs a key to open, not a screwdriver), and I always lock it at least at night when I'm sleeping. My rationale is that it's one more door a burgler must break through in order to cause me bodily harm. My mom has a similar lock or her bedroom door, and I recommend for her to lock it at night for the same reasons. Other than that, I rarely find any reason for locked doors. If the bathroom door is closed, I assume someone is in there and knock, even if it isn't locked. On the modesty thing, I guess sharing a room with my brother and not having locked doors it simply doesn't exist for me. I'm loathe to admit that I usually do #1 without bothering to close the bathroom door (much to my mom's annoyance). Probably seeing my dad do the same just got me in the habit. Shame of the body is actually a fairly recent thing anyway. In the days of public baths there was no such thing.

 

[KC2IXE]

For me it is just a matter of respect. My son is 15 and when he was 10 or so he locked his door one night and I asked him not to lock it anymore he said ok but wanted to know why and I simply told him if there was a fire I didn't want to break his door down to get him he thought that was a good idea. When his door is closed I knock and wait for him to open it or untill he hollars come in. I respect him and "his" room and he respects my rules.
Topper

Which is about the way MY parents ALWAYS handled it with me - I don't go in my kids room with permission. My daughter DOES have a lock on her door to keep her "Pesky younger brother" out, but my wife and I both have keys

 

[magic79]

As another poster put it, there is no need for a locked door. The house belongs to the parents and it's the parent's duty to ensure the child is not getting into trouble.

Columbine killers Harris and Klebold had their firearms and bombs in their closets...their parents never bothered to check their rooms.

I think parents have an obligation to know exactly what their kids have in their rooms. It would have prevented Columbine. It is the only way to interdict in time to save a teen from serious consequences with drugs and alcohol. Despite some experts' comments, it is not always possible to know your child is using drugs or alcohol from behavior alone.

No, teens should not have locked doors.

However, I do agree that the parents should respect his modesty. Perhaps you could advise him to politely ask his parent to recognize that his new room is "open" and he would appreciate the opportunity to finish dressing before they come through it.

 

[greenLED]

I'm with AJ on this one...

 

[xochi]

As to teenagers, yes, everybody deserves privacy. But thats privacy from accidents like that, and privacy to keep your sister out when she's bugging you or something. A passage lock they call them, they lock, but you can open them from the outside with a screwdriver or a coat hanger or something.

Nobody gets to lock up their rooms with a key to keep family out. If I want to get into my kids rooms, there had better not be a padlock on the door or I'm going to get the sawzall and go through the wall. That being said, if my kids want their privacy I will respect it up and to the point where I suspect there is something I should know about. Then I get to be the Dad and your privacy will get stomped on.

Very well said.

After seeing the a room with cable , computer, stereo , video game , phone become a kids universe, I find all that crap in a kids room to be a huge force in a family alienating each other.

Young, developing people have young developing brains that aren't terribly stable all the time. Parents who care bout their kids enough to monitor them (and invade their privacy) are meeting their responseability as parents by taking steps to prevent the lapses in judgement that devolopeing brains can make and that may screw up an entire lifetime.

Privacy is something reserved for individuals developed enough to aquire and maintain the things that support privacy. Things like there own place to live , work, etc.

 

[Brighteyez]

Dont' know if the situation that described could have been traumatic to the child, but to me there seems to be something wrong.

Bear in mind that in my day (Cold War, Pre-Vietnam Era), boys were prepared for military service and living in close quarters starting at about the age of 12 in their PE classes with group showering and nudity amongst members of the same gender. If this is still the same in schools today, it would seem odd that this young man should be reacting in the manner that he is, even if he substitutes ROTC classes for PE classes in high school.

...Could this kid have a modesty complex, because his parents are the polar opposite to a sick extent? Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but this has gone from coffee-talk to something case-specific.

 

[eebowler]

AlexSchira, after reading the first post, my immediate conclusion was that the stepfather was an inconsiderate Jack$$$. He obviously didn't have enough respect for his stepson who showed VIVIDLY that he was uncomfortable with the situation. The father approaching the stepson crouching behind the couch was to me an act of dominance in effect telling the son that his feelings and opinions didn't matter.

Your second account of a 'funny story' at least gave the stepfather a reason for his behavior. He seems very open(not too sure if open is the right word here) with respect to his sexuality and probably has no 'shame' in showing his body to anyone at all. He probably doesn't understand or even care what modesty is.

 

[xochi]

Good point Green.

 

[greenLED]

Somehow this is going from the subject of locked doors to discussion of sexual choices among adults. Lets not go there, please? That's not material for this G-rated forum, IMO.

 

[AlexSchira]

I talked to him at the gym today, got a few scarce details. He was quiet about it, but the tidbits I got might explain a bit.
-Divorced parents, grew up with single mother, older sister who is now off at college. No male relatives or older siblings. This may explain the modesty. Do note, he's not exactly a sensitive type. When I say modest, I mean very defensive about being seen. He's a boxer, I personally got the kid started because I'd heard he had been having fights at school. I assumed kids were picking on him, and he got in trouble for trying to fight back, so I stated tkaing him along to the gym just so he could have fun and learn a few things.
I got him into his first match, just to see what he would do.
...He's a quiet, polite kid. Acts older than he is, very mature emotionally.
But when that bell rang to start his first round...all I could do was sit back and stare. He was...some one else out there.
Let's put it this way. His nickname around the gym is 'Tiger'. He's an extremely, extremely aggressive fighter...but only in the ring. It's like he channels out any negative feeling he has into a situation where he can let it out without limits. This was my first clue that he may have a couple problems at home, I figured just living with a single mother would do it, and problems at school. It's an inside-joke at the gym, this is the kind of kid that the fun teachers make jokes about and he laughs right with them, he's a good kid. And most of the adult fighters at the gym, don't want to spar with him because...Well, he just hits that hard.
-...Mother remarried a few years ago, right around the time I started him out in boxing. His mother was in her mid-forties, her new husband was about fifty, had been bald and middle-aged looking since he was twenty. No previous marriages, a bachelor at age fifty. I was not aware of this, I figured he had been married before, things are just starting to sound worse and worse. The guy is a long-running fast food manager...has been doing it since high school. And apparently is a bit out of shape, which I have to mention because his step-son is a competing boxer who trains harder than I do. He's a featherweight, fights 126, and probably has under six percent bodyfat. He's an obvious athlete, but his modesty probably traces back to living with two females. I'm sensing some problems from this. We're talking what is likely a former high school athlete, who never really went anywhere in life, living with a kid who looks like a Bowflex commercial. I understand they have a bit of a cold relationship. Maybe this guy sees 'Tiger' as a rival male, who he has control over. Think about it, it's like having a son on the football team, and you were the guy they used to stuff in lockers.
-I asked, plain out, how did getting caught like that make him feel? 'Ticked. Really...realy ticked'. He obviously has buried anger from way back. He wasn't cowering behind the couch, he was trying to cover himself while he stared daggers at this jerk who was casually walking through his room without even knocking. This isn't a friendly walk-in with a relative, this is something personal. Some one suggested the step-dad is showing disprespect...more like he's telling the kid 'I'm in charge, deal with it!'.
-And lastly...the kid mentioned 'He wanted me out of the house for a while when they first got together'. And then he shut up, and we went back to working out.

...This changes the entire perspective...Dear God, no wonder this kid leaves dents in punching bags.

EDIT: Agreed, the actions between adults is a different subject, and shouldn't be the focus. This topic was started as a perspective on a ag friend of mine, and the concept of locked doors and families. True, I've turned it over to analyzing this case in particular, but that 'another couple' concept isn't something worth looking into any further.

 

[Bullzeyebill]

When one of our daughter was 17 and going through a "phase" she told us she did not want us going into her room when she was not home. Of course, that only made us "want" to go into the room and check it out. We actually did not do much of that, but one day we couldn't find the cordless phone, so I opened her door, and my-god all hell broke loose. She had attached a portable alarm to the inside of the door and it went off. The alarm was crazy loud, decibels well beyond comfort. It was all I could do to grab the devise, and run out the front door and toss it as far as I could. Fortunately it broke, and that night my wife and I had a serious talk with her. Something like, "How dare you put that alarm on your door. What were you thinking about? Etc, etc..... She grew out of that phase, and later she told us why she did not want us in her room. You know, like illegal stuff was in there.

Bill

 

[AlexSchira]

^See, that's worth mentioning just as much as this case with my friend is. That's just good parenting, which provides a contrast with this bizarre situation in my friend's home, which I'm not assuming is more of an internal conflict that a legit ruling. I was a teenager once, we all were, and to this day I can rattle off what some people hid in their rooms in those days. Special cases aside, teenagers need supervision more than locked privacy.

 

[bwaites]

Brighteyez,

Kid's DON'T shower together.

We recently built a new team room complex for our sports teams at the town coliseum. The home team showers have been used, but just by the coaches. The kids don't shower, even the ones getting on a bus to travel 2 hours or more home!

Bill