Need help on choosing my words carefully....

Ok, here is the situation.

My cousin is in his late 20's, and he is married and has children, 2 daughters, one about 4, the other 3. They always come over our house on weekends starting from friday and sleep over until sunday in order to attend our church. This is because my cousin has an important job there and he lives in Philly.

His children are cute, and I dont mind them. But they tend to get annoying, so I often retire early to my room when things get noisy, and end up sleeping at 6 in the evening.

Their children discovered that my room has many wonders. Old toys, strange gadgets (my flashlights!), etc. They try to sneak into my room often to play with my things, and I really, REALLY get PISSED when I find them there digging through my stuff. So when they see me, they quietly place down what they are holding and shuffle out of the room. I have to make sure everything is still there because they tend to put things into their little bag, and take it home. Their parents never return this stuff either.

I was the first in our house to notice that they take, AND damage our belongings. I try to talk to my parents about them, and sometimes end up name calling my cousins children like thieves. I recently just tried to forget about it, but just last week, something happened. Please read on.

I have a nice TadGear holster for my Inova X5, and it was on a shelf in my room. I like it. A lot. A LOT. The holster is VERY useful, and sometimes I wear a belt just so I can carry the X5.

So that friday I come home to discover my nieces in my room again. I calmly walk in, and they calmly, as usual, place down what they were playing with, and shuffle out. I count my stuff to make sure its there again, and mistake another black holster I had rolling around for the TadGear holster.

I didnt realize that they took it until Monday, when I had turned the whole house upside down over 3 times, without my holster. It all came together, I remembered my nieces, how I was stressed out that day to realize my holster was missing, you know.

So I start swearing and cussing and swearing some more. My dad told me to pray, and I would find it. 4 days later, I still didnt find it. I searched in vain for a whole week. The weekend came again, and my nieces were at it again. I didnt want to mention the holster because I knew it would be very rude. So I lay in my room that whole weekend, stewing in my own anger and frustration.

Then the next BAD thing happened. My box of CR123s were missing. The whole tantrum process began on monday again, and I was pissed and angry the whole week. I was OKAY with my other little toys being stolen, although I did want them back. My holster and batteries was going WAY too far. Now I dont know how to make a good, respectful request for the return of my property. Can someone help me out?

Update is at the end of the page...

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Hmmm... Well as a preventative measure, for next time get a lock on your door (replacing the doorknob is very easy if you have any mechanical inclination at all).

But, as for dealing with your current missing belongings, I really don't know enough about your situation to decide if how to or whom to approach about this. I would say ask your father for his advice in a calm manner(it sounds like you were whining to him about the missing items, just my take). Make sure that you know they took your items and stand firm in the discussion with your father.

If that doesn't work I'm sorry but I have no other advice on this topic.

Good Luck,
Jay

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Mags,
First I would secure a deadbolt for my room. (I believe you have a right to your privacy, give a key to your parents if that would make things easier)

Second there should be no reason why you can't take your cousin aside and respectfully discuss the matter with him.
He may be a little defensive at first, but be kind in your wording and sincere about the effect it is having on you and your personal belongings.
Do not come right out and say "your children are stealing my stuff" rather pose it more like a question..."Look cuz, I have found your kids in my room playing with some valuable items and some are now missing, I have looked everywhere I could several times with no luck,….is it possible that one of the kids may have accidentally taken them to your place?" Say it calmly and sincerly…..not with any hint of how you really feel. Yes small children can be a handful but by the same token they need to start learning to respect other peoples belongings and space.

It is better for you to be able to let people know right away about a situation, when things have a potential to build you to a boil. Let them know nicely when it happens and you will not have to let it stew inside you until it becomes much more than it ever needed to be.
You will live longer and happier if you can do this.
NOTE…It is not 100% foolproof but IMHO, it is still the best way.

HTH
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Emotoinal subjects sometimes make it very difficult to choose your words carefully. When that happens, you might want to write it down instead of trying to say it.

Writing it down lets you make sure you really mean every word. It lets you change it when it seems too threatening. It allows you to be precise and allws your emotions to cool down between sentences. You can also ask a friend, sibling or parent to read it and provide feedback.

A technique I would use in your position: enlost your dad's (or Mom's) help indirectly. Write the letter to your neice, but do it knowing that you will ask your dad for help in getting it just right. Explain that you want to make sure that you are not offending anyone.

Don't let your anger invade the letter. Explain how you feel hurt, and how you miss your belongings. Explain that you are not mad at your nices, but that you would like your things returned in their original condition. Explain, that you like their company, but that they are not welcome in your room. Offer to play with them in other places instead.

Make it about understanding and respect, and ask for your Dad's advice on how to phrase things. Chances are that he will read it, then try to take action on your behalf. At the very least he will have a better understanding of your position. Don't let it become a blame game. Keep the tone positive. Remember that respect goes both ways.

It's a shame that young people have to be taught to respect others possessions. It's not unusual for kids to covet what others have.

I hope you get your stuff back.

Daniel

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Using "I" statements in a discussion may help; tell people how you feel about what is happening. For example, when talking to your parents or your cousin about the missing items:

"*I* am feeling very frustrated about this situation. Finding the kids in my room really makes *me* upset because they dig into my stuff and I've had several items disappear after they (kids) leave the house. *I* feel like *I* have lost my privacy, and *I* would really appreciate it if *I* had your support in this situation. I do not like losing my stuff and I don't like having those kids in my room. etc...."

Keep your cool when talking; rehearsing in front of a mirror is something my mom used to do (I felt weird talking to myself like that, but it may help you practice). Talking to your parents about your feelings may make them realize how important these things are for you, and how bad you feel about losing stuff. Ask them, how would they feel if they lost something of their own (yeah, they're adults and we're forgiving with little kids, but you don't have to, you *are* a kid).

Your parents seem to put a lot of effort into praying, BTW. It is up to you and them to decide if this is an effective strategy for recovering lost items. I favor open communication and direct, polite action. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

I applaud your calmness through the previous occasions and that you are asking for help to choose your words carefully. Shows maturity.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Mags, it sounds like they have an abundance of curiosity and inquisitiveness. Rather than be negative (and so far as I see you are not...just annoyed as any normal human would be) try to encourage their curiosity....here is a solution...have something interesting for them every time they come over. The Dragon Illusion posted here a bit back will take some time for them to cut and paste and produce a great result....give them some small keychain lights.....maybe UV and let them search around the house for objects that glow....Get a water/air rocket and show them how to use it...ot a smoke ring blaster.....

Find the things that interested you and grabbed you as a child and show them....they will grow up with a hero....YOU.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

14c had some interesting advice. I like it.

A slight variation would be to set up interesting things that need the missing parts. For instance, let them play with a neat flashlight to play tag in the dark, then tell them how you'd love to play more, but you need special batteries and you can't find them. Ask if they can help you find them.

You get the idea. It makes it in their best interests to get your stuff back to you.

A friend used to steal toys when he was real young because he was traumatized in a foster home. He stayed there for a month while his parenst recovered from an accident. They took all his toys away, giving them to another child. It took years before he finally stopped hoarding things.

Good luck,

Daniel

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

I think that your father is the person who should talk to your cousin.After all,it is his house and he is your protector.You have shown a lot of maturity for your age,but theft in the household should be handled by the adults.If your cousin can't control the kids and doesn't seem to care if your stuff gets taken-then maybe the weekend visits need to be spent at a nearby motel.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Giving keychain lights to little kids is a good idea if they're old enough not to eat them. I've given them a few times and they've been well received. There are cheap ones and I have a bunch of them now, so if you PM me your address I'd be happy to send you a couple.

DON'T give them UV lights. Those are bad for their eyes and they won't know better than to look into the leds.

Locking your door is a good and obvious idea. I don't think you need a big fancy lock or even one that requires you to take the doorknob apart. A simple door chain (the kind that you can unchain from the outside with a key) is very easy to install.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Everyone, thank you for your input and comments

Jaids and beamhead, I do lock my room often, on Friday mornings especially before I leave school, but my mother has to access it for many reasons. the phone being in my room, cleaning up the house, etc. (Which she does every week!)Also, the lock is easy to open. Its the kind that has a little horizontal groove thingy which you can turn and unlock by using your fingernail. My nieces dont do this, but my mother does.

Beamhead, what I am worried about is that my cousin wont believe me. He will probably think, "Hes just a 12 year old kid, why believe what he says?". My parents also say it would be a rude topic to bring up. TO HELL WITH RUDE! I am sick of this. I just want to be straight up but my parents would do the unforgettable if I did.

gadget lover, like I said above, I think it would be hard for me to directly explain the situation to my cousin. But writing down the letter just to make myself feel better would be okay. And perhaps I can rehearse using it.

greenLED, Thank you for the advice. If I do speak to my cousin, I will try to do that. My parents dont really want me to do the "job" though. They just said no, because he is my relative, and it is rude. RUDE RUDE RUDE. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rant.gif. Excuse me...

John kk, Thank you /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

14c, That is rather hard for me at the moment because I am missing most of my little toys and gadgets, and my flashlights dont have batteries /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rant.gif, and I simply cant trust them. After everything they did, I simply cant.

Mr twotone, at the moment, my father told me not to, because my cousin is going through a hard time because of financial problems. He doesnt have a lot of money. Which brings me to another point. my mother told me to just let it go (LET IT GO??? 7 USEFUL 123s IN A NEAT WHITE BOX THAT IS SO PRECIOUS TO ME??? MY TADGEAR HOLSTER???) because my cousin doesnt have a lot of money. So I asker her, "what good would a box of expensive batteries, and a holster without a flashlight do for my cousin? would he sell it?" Im starting to lose my nerve more often than usual these days... Anyway, my parents just say, ITS RUDE. That always ends my pleads and requests for them to settle things.

PaulR, I cant give them any flashlight, because their father would disapprove. He mocks me more than my parents or siblings about my hobby, and one time I accidentally flashed him in the eye with my LongBow Micra, and he said, "Dont light to me" He has bad english, and I asked, "lie to you?". He put more emphasis on what he said, and then I understood. He eyes me suspiciously whenever I have my lights around. His children are young and stupid enough to chew on a rubber handball. so they will probably aim that thing at their eyes all day. Since LEDs are especially blinding, I dont think I can do this.

I try to point out things they did to my parents. Things like this.
The first thing they ever did was push in the little sound nipple thingy on the stereo system. You know how on the speaker, you take off the cover and there is that little bump that is very delicate and easy to push in? They pushed that little nipple in on one of the speakers. If they werent my relatives, I would sue them. They damage other things, like house pictures, tennis balls, you name it. They colored on the wall before, they messed up our fax machine, drew all over our sofa, (IN CRAYON) they never clean up the pencils they used, they waste all our damn computer paper that we have, and I end up not being able to print out school reports, the room, blankets, and bed that they sleep in reeks of urine (can you guess why?, their parents dont even buy them diapers), they crack our plates and dont tell us. I know this because I find shards and pieces in our trash all the time, and our supply of cups, plates, etc. seems to suspiciously shrink little by little. Also, one time I was there when my cousin cracked a plate. Later that evening, I ask my parents if he told them he cracked somehting, they said they didnt know anything about it. I see them clawing away that the computer keyboard, pressing buttons on the fax machine, and their parents are right next to them, not giving a damn. Only when I tell them to stop, do they stop, and then cry. Either way, I lose. They pick up the phone, say a bunch of sh!t, hang it up, etc. and we end up missing a whole crapload of calls. so I hang onto both phones we have in our house. My flashlights I keep on a high shelf. Even my parents agree that they dont have an ounce of respect for our property. My father said we cant afford to lose my cousing because our church would go under if he did not come anymore. So that is simply blackmail, although my cousin is not aware of it. I offend him, he leaves our church, our church goes down, I get killed by my parents, happy ending right?

What I HATE about my cousin is that these days he says, "Steve are you thinking of parting with any of your flashlights?" You would htink I was happy that he finally understands my hobby, and appreciates it. When he says that, I say "No not yet." and in my head I scream "HELL NO YOU THIEF! YOU THINK AFTER ALL YOU DID, I WOULD GIVE YOU A PRECIOUS FLASHLIGHT THAT YOU MOCKED? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND??" sorry, I had to vent a little.

I apologize for the extremely long reply, but I thought a lot of details would help everyone understand.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

That indeed is a bad situation. I go through the same thing about four times a year when my cousins come to my house.

The best and easiest thing to get them to stop stealing the stuff you like and praise is to give them stuff that you used to like but don't want anymore. As example, the last time my couisins were over I gave them all of my old Pokemon cards (which would be about 750 of them /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif). Anyway, I certainly didn't want them anymore so I used them to keep their hands off of the stuff that I do like. I'd tell them I'd give them more if they would stay out of my room for an hour or so. Then, I'd give them more and say the same thing. Along those lines anyway. I have a lock on my door now so I don't have to worry about that but that seemed to be the easiest way of keeping their hands off of my precious possessions.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

It sounds like your parents need to have a little talk with the kids parents about respect for other people's posessions. The kids will do whatever they get away with, it is up to the parents to set limits. Your situation sounds like an episode of Geraldo, it must be stopped from the top down.

As far as the church going down, that is something for the church members to deal with...not you. I would talk to your parents and see what they can do about it. If they won't do anything, talk to your cousins and bring it up with their parents. Sometimes if you get the ball rolling, your parents might get pulled into the conversation and they will attempt to solve it. You could also bring up the fact that lithium batteries are very dangerous for kids to play with and you have a box of them missing. Good luck.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

You are in an impossible situation.Your parents SHOULD but WON'T help you.All I can suggest is putting your most valuable items in a locked box and wear the only key around your neck.By the way-if God wants your church to prosper then the loss of your cousin as a member won't have any effect.Best of luck to you and may things get better.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Mags -

The advice you have received here is good.

I would like to pose an alternative view.

At age 12 you are about to enter high school. You are a youg man. This could be a lesson in how the corporate workplace works. You've been wronged. Your projects have been invaded. Your property was taken from you. Your parents, supervisors indicate that they don't want to intercede on your behalf. Well, there you go. You've run your complaint up the ladder with unsatisfactory results.

It seems that the issue is back in your court. In the next corporate meeting where all parties are present (Dinner) gently and simply state it's been a cute and entertaining game having the curios neices abscound with your stuff but you feel that it is time for your stuff to come back to you. How your cousin wants to handle it will be fine. You just want your stuff back. Pronto. Especially the high perfmance batteries and custom sheath, but really all the stuff that belongs to you needs to come back. If you can speak with a smile on your face, as if what they did were cute yet unacceptalble methods to play with you and your stuff, that will do wonders.

So in 2006 you'll be in high-school? It's one of the most energetic times of life. Enjoy it. You will be learning to be an adult. You will experience situations that require you to stand your ground. Your back-pack and all its' contents will be yours. You have to have them to be used as tools to further advance yourself. They belong to you and you alone.

No way do you want to walk around on campus with a "Please Don't Take My Stuff" sign on your bag.

No way do you want to walk around in the corporate world with an "I'm a victim" sign on you.

So all this can simply be a stepping stone into adulthood.

-------------

- Jeff

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Mags,

I hope you are just venting and overstating your case when you say things like…

[ QUOTE ]
I just want to be straight up but my parents would do the unforgettable if I did.

I offend him, he leaves our church, our church goes down, I get killed by my parents, happy ending right?

[/ QUOTE ]

For now I will assume that these are indeed "over stated".

Your parents may know more about certain situations than they are willing to share with you.
I know that sucks but they are your parents and at this time I feel you must trust their judgement, and as much as it pains you, follow their lead.

Family is the most important (albeit frustrating at times) thing you can have in this life. IMHO

The value of the missing items is really not worth a family feud.…. I know how things like this can lead to resentment towards those involved, and it is hard to learn not to let resentments flourish into something diametrically opposed to love and respect.

You are at a point in your life when independent and critical thinking are naturally bursting within you.
For your age you are quite intelligent and well grounded. And I think that your parents must have had something to do with that?……. Probably not what you want to hear right now.

Asking for advice from others is a sign of maturity, however I must stress at this point that we, the people on our keyboards are not your parents, we however are your colleagues. And the reality is you must do your best to follow your parents methods, while becoming your own intelligent, well-grounded, independent young man.

What was the total value of your missing items, and how easily can you replace them, if /when you get the funds?

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

[ QUOTE ]
Mags said:
Ok, here is the situation.

My cousin is in his late 20's, and he is married and has children, 2 daughters, one about 4, the other 3. They always come over our house on weekends starting from friday and sleep over until sunday in order to attend our church. This is because my cousin has an important job there and he lives in Philly.

His children are cute, and I dont mind them. But they tend to get annoying, so I often retire early to my room when things get noisy, and end up sleeping at 6 in the evening.

Their children discovered that my room has many wonders. Old toys, strange gadgets (my flashlights!), etc. They try to sneak into my room often to play with my things, and I really, REALLY get PISSED when I find them there digging through my stuff. So when they see me, they quietly place down what they are holding and shuffle out of the room. I have to make sure everything is still there because they tend to put things into their little bag, and take it home. Their parents never return this stuff either.

I was the first in our house to notice that they take, AND damage our belongings. I try to talk to my parents about them, and sometimes end up name calling my cousins children like thieves. I recently just tried to forget about it, but just last week, something happened. Please read on.

I have a nice TadGear holster for my Inova X5, and it was on a shelf in my room. I like it. A lot. A LOT. The holster is VERY useful, and sometimes I wear a belt just so I can carry the X5.

So that friday I come home to discover my nieces in my room again. I calmly walk in, and they calmly, as usual, place down what they were playing with, and shuffle out. I count my stuff to make sure its there again, and mistake another black holster I had rolling around for the TadGear holster.

I didnt realize that they took it until Monday, when I had turned the whole house upside down over 3 times, without my holster. It all came together, I remembered my nieces, how I was stressed out that day to realize my holster was missing, you know.

So I start swearing and cussing and swearing some more. My dad told me to pray, and I would find it. 4 days later, I still didnt find it. I searched in vain for a whole week. The weekend came again, and my nieces were at it again. I didnt want to mention the holster because I knew it would be very rude. So I lay in my room that whole weekend, stewing in my own anger and frustration.

Then the next BAD thing happened. My box of CR123s were missing. The whole tantrum process began on monday again, and I was pissed and angry the whole week. I was OKAY with my other little toys being stolen, although I did want them back. My holster and batteries was going WAY too far. Now I dont know how to make a good, respectful request for the return of my property. Can someone help me out?

[/ QUOTE ]

Very simple solution....... talk to the kids in front of the parents. Tell them it's not acceptable and explain your expectation while in your house. Make sure the parents are there when you talk to the kids and suggest they affirm your requirements. If a situation occurs again, beat the kid's a**. If it occurs after that, tell them they are no longer welcome in your house.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

I urge you to please honor and obey your parents first of all. I know thats not always easy but trust me it is best in the long run. Perhaps you might start praying for your cousin and his kids, I say that due to your mentioning prayer in a thread or two. I hope this will work out without
you ending up in more trouble with your folks.
Topper /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Hey mags, how many CR123's were in the box? PM me your address, i'll replace them for you. They might not be SF batteries, but hey! I'll try my best!

Ahh, who cares, is 12 ok?

Im not the best at words either, usually im just really straight forward...but i hate it too when ppl look through my sh!t.

Re: Need help on choosing my words carefully...

Mags, you sound pretty squared away for your age. It's pretty simple, as I see it -- as long as you live in your parents house, you owe them obedience and respect. BUT they owe you respect and support. They seem to be unwilling to provide this, so the responsibility of secureing your stuff falls on you.

Put a lock on your door (I saw a simple lockset (locking doorknob) at a building supply today for $10). Give your folks keys, get an extension cord for the phone and lock up when the little thieves come to visit. Or get a secure box and lock up your stuff when appropriate. Keep your folks happy and trusting by letting them have access anytime. It's pretty obvious from your writing that your not huffing paint, smoking dope or hoarding porn -- just make sure your folks know it too.

A thief is a thief -- no matter if they're 4 or 84. Treat them as such. You've given them enough slack already.

I also heartily approve of TINs suggestion.

BTW I'm good for a couple of batts too, pm your address.