We all think we are capable of doing "stuff" because
we took shop at school and know theory and application
with lessons like measure twice and cut once, while
building a jewel box for Mom's birthday present.
But we need to build a room in the basement with tub
and toilet and now the fun begins. Home Depot is our
mentor of course! Read on.
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOUR-SELFER
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly painted vertical stabilizer
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh s**t'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you want
to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts next to the object we a
re trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Author Unknown
we took shop at school and know theory and application
with lessons like measure twice and cut once, while
building a jewel box for Mom's birthday present.
But we need to build a room in the basement with tub
and toilet and now the fun begins. Home Depot is our
mentor of course! Read on.
TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOUR-SELFER
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly painted vertical stabilizer
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench at the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh s**t'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you want
to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts next to the object we a
re trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Author Unknown
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