Married guys: How did you know she was the one?

I just broke it off with a good woman, thing is she wanted to have kids and get married asap. She is 30 and 6 years older than me. While she has been the best gf I've ever had, at 24 I wonder what else is out there. Mainly because there are so many woman at work, some who I think might be better for me...(same age, same career goals, etc) but now I don't know if I made the biggest mistake of my life or is this for the better....

What did it for you guys? How did you know she was the one?

None of my friends are married so I figured I'd ask you guys.

So far my wife has bought me a U2, an M6 and a TW4-BK - need I say more?

I do think common interests and goals are a good starting point, especially when it comes to having kids - don't do if you're not ready.

She said Yes............... OK just kidding, seriously I don't think I knew completely, but after being a rather "busy" young man, when I met and got to know my wife of 22 years now it felt right.

It was not and is not all peaches and cream but we seem to fit. First and foremost she is my best friend. She accepts me for the dip I am. And the more time we spend together the more I realize she is with out a doubt the one.

I don't know if this will give you any indication, or answers but it is what I have come to know for me.

Keep your chin up and your heart open and I am sure you will figure it out.

Nothing wrong with marrying an older woman. Just about everyone in our current circle of friends are the same. Our best friends have an age difference of 9 years. I wouldn't let that be a concern, especially if you are mature at 24.

The question and timing of children is something to take seriously. You both need to be of a similar mindset on that. If the idea of having a family seems too soon, then maybe the relationship needs more time before marriage?

hey

my wife is older than I am...but thats not a problem at all.

basically in my case, we shared a lot of common interest, well not all of my interest ( esp the flashlight one...she's still trying to figure that one out:laughing: ),
so yeah, we clicked pretty well on all levels.

How do I know she;s the one? Thing is, I may never know. But we enjoy each other's company for now and we hope it'll last a long2 time. ( everybody say AWWWWWW....:laughing: )

good luck leukos.

If you need to ask "Is she The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).

The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!

Interesting question - I asked my Dad the same question about 1 month after I met my wife. That was 26 years ago (married 24). It is not always easy.

We are actually kind of opposites, with areas of overlap - it definitely keeps it interesting. I tell people we "complement" each other. I think she just tells her friends that all men are a PITA, but she puts up with us.

A funny example - we discuss how we are going to vote on a topic - often on opposite sides. By the time we get to the polls, it is not unusual for each of us to vote to the other's original position.

At 30, a woman has to be real serious about kids, or it isn't going to happen at all. I don't think men are ready for kids until after they are about 10. By then you realize that the decision to have them is ok.

AngelEyes said:

If you need to ask "Is the The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).

The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!

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+1

Also, You need to make sure that YOUR ready..

Luxman said:

+1

Also, You need to make sure that YOUR ready..

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Agreed!!!

TheSteve said:

So far my wife has bought me a U2, an M6 and a TW4-BK - need I say more?

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:bow: :bow: :bow: :twothumbs :bow: :bow: :bow:

Age in that range of difference isn't important as long as the people are at the same place in their goals for their life.

If you weren't, and if you can really end it like that then you weren't as in love with her as you're worried about now.

As far as children, nobody is ever "ready" to have them There is no magical point where you're going to sit down and say "WOW, I'm ready for children!" If you wait till you feel that the time is perfect to have children it will be when you're retired and it will be too late. If you want to have children, and you have a job or means of supporting yourself and the child, and can get the time off to do it then it's the right time to have children.

There are contra indications for having children, like no job or no insurance or no way that you can upgrade your house with an extra bedroom in the next year or so. But there is no single indicator that will tell you when you're ready to have them.

This of course, assumes that you're married and with the right person to be having them with. Cause very little else will stress you out and make you more exhausted than children. If you're already fighting to stay happy with someone then children will not pull you together.

If you feel you can survive having children with someone, THEN you're ready to marry them and at some point later have children. Course, you have no idea just how horrible and wonderful children are My son right now is trying to choke to death on puzzle pieces, but on the plus side i can sing along with all the songs in Blues Clues...

While there is no point where you can say "OK, NOW lets have kids, our life is perfect and we're ready for them" there is a point when it's too late to have them. It gets more and more dangerous very quickly for both mother and child as she approaches the age of 40. If you wait till 40 then you'll be 56 when they are turning 16. Do you want to be 56 when you're teaching them to drive? DO you want to be approaching retirement just as they are approaching college so that you have to work another 10 years longer than you would to pay it off? All this is dooable, people do this happily, but I get tired just thinking about it

I'm very glad I didn't have my kids at 16, I would not have coped with the self sacrifice as well, but I'm equally glad we had them when we did. In our case it was also my wife that came to me and told me that she thought it was time to have kids. After some consideration I agreed...

As far as knowing if she's the one. You'll know when you look at a gorgeous co-ed and can think that she's pretty and attractive without wanting to actually meet her You'll know when you can enjoy being with your girlfriend doing non-relationship things. You'll know when she's your friend who is also more attractive to you than that co-ed

I'd second Angeleye's comment. With my first wife, I was asking myself the same question.....

After a very unhappy 2 years we got divorced. Not too long after I met my wife and had a strong hunch after a month or so. I'm not sure when I knew she was "the one" but I never asked myself if she was - I just "knew"

5 years later, we are very happily marrried....

I knew it when she told me. That was 33 years ago. I think she was right.

Geoff

Even if you do meet "the one", marriage still takes a lot of work. In some ways it will be the hardest thing you ever do. If you're lucky enough to meet someone, and the emotions are overwhelming, and she feels the same, good for you! That is great, and not everybody gets to experience it. Cherish that time and those feelings, you might need them later. Keep in mind, that it's also possible to find a quality person, and make those feelings happen rather than just waiting around for those feelings to happen to you.

However, even if you do meet the "perfect woman", and for some unimaginable reason, she feels the same way about you, marriage is a long haul, and putting up with even the "perfect" person for the rest of your life takes endurance, patience, and dedication. You WILL get angry with her, you WILL get "sick" of her, you WILL occasionally feel a pang of fear in your gut that you're "missing out" with other women. She will feel the same way about you several times during your life together. That's okay, and it's normal. A "good marriage" is not defined by the absence of these feelings/problems, but by how you deal with them.

I have to admit, that when it came to women, the flirty, bippy GIRLS without more than one complete thought in their heads were, and are, the bait that captures my immediate interest. That's what "turns my head", I can't help it. However, people like that are the relationship equivalent of junk food or candy. You can't live off that forever. What I needed was a WOMAN. I found one, and forced myself to look past my superficial interests for deeper qualities such as dedication, motivation, and character. So I pursued her. A year of dating, then a year of being engaged, and another seven years later, I've still got a wife that's a lot better than I probably deserve.

I think a lot of marriages are doomed before they even begin because these days, people don't seem to understand what "sharing your life" with someone really means. It does not just mean "spending a lot of time with that person". It literaly means "sharing your life". You. Yourself. A marriage commitment means that you as a person do not have complete sole ownership of yourself anymore.

Self centered people who look at a spouse and think they're "in love" only on the basis of how they look, if they impress their friends, or come from the "right background" are probably doomed to failure. You have to literaly examine if you can give yourself to this person and your marriage, and if you think she will give herself to you.

If you can honestly tell yourself that you can, then she's "the one".

BTW, this all goes double if you want to have kids. Your life isn't yours at all for at least eighteen years then.

Willing to look at it that way has paid off immensely.

Audrey & Amelia, 16 months old.



Abigail & Alice, 5 months old.

James S said:

As far as knowing if she's the one. You'll know when you look at a gorgeous co-ed and can think that she's pretty and attractive without wanting to actually meet her You'll know when you can enjoy being with your girlfriend doing non-relationship things. You'll know when she's your friend who is also more attractive to you than that co-ed

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I couldn't have said it better myself.

Additional tidbits...

Look at her value systems, long range goals, religious beliefs.

You have to respect her as well as like and love her. If she does things that you don't respect or that you are ashamed of, that will cause you regrets in the future.

Age is not a concern. I married at 29 my wife was 37. We have some common interests, we're both lawyers... unfortunately that one common thread, leads to a lot of problems with our uncommon interests.

Shes a liberal democrat, I was a staunch Reagan man, she is Catholic, I am jewish, she likes wine, I like beer, she wants to be a partner at her law firm, I could care less what happens at mine (I want to go in house in a large corporation), she wants four kids, I want two.... the list goes on and on and on...

But its the polar opposite nature of our beings that draws us together. Hey if Mary whatever her name is and the ragin cajun can get along, why not...

I knew she was the one after our first conversation.... I made a lame joke, she laughed, i thought "wow a great audience....i need her", and its been five of the best years of my life so far...

If ya gotta ask...

How did I know she was the right one? I just knew it, there was no mistake. All I wanted to do was be with her, do things with her, talk to her. It really didnt matter what we did, as long as it was together, even sillly stuff like wakling downtown in the snow looking in windows when we could not afford to buy anything. When I was not with her, I was thinking about her. It might sound like obsession, and perhaps it is quite similar, but that was 27 years ago, and I have never regreted it.

That she showed interest and was willing to try things that I loved, even though she was a city girl, made her different than all the rest, and that made me want to extend myself, and open myself up to her interests, which sad to say were more refined than my own .

When we talk, there is never your money, or my money, there is our money, we shared everything from the beginning.

When I think of life without her, it feels incomplete. She has cancer now, and truly, the future to me is a haze. The thoght that yes, she may not recover, it is cancer, even if the best type to have with a high cure rate, makes me feel lost, scared. I find myself sitting up all hours of the night and watching her sleep, almost like I am scared to miss out on one second.

Maybe a bit like an obsession, but she is what makes me happy, and what makes life worth living, its that simple. Seeing what is in her eyes when she looks at me, and her smile is what happiness is.

AngelEyes said:

If you need to ask "Is she The One for me?" then she is probably not (sorry).

The time will come when that question doesnt even occur to you - that's when you know she's The One!

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I agree with this. This is probably the easiest way to tell. If you have to keep thinking about it or have doubts about something, then you're not ready/it's not right for you. If you feel 100% comfortable/happy though and can't think of loosing her, well then there ya go...