why am i so darn shy

[raggie33]

wow very good advice everyone.ty

 

[doubleganger]

Social skills are just like any other skills. You don't start out playing the superbowl, you start in your back yard. You don't approach the most beautiful (to you) woman you've ever met and ask for THE DATE. That's way too much pressure. Take baby steps. Make eye contact. Smile. Do it again. If she smiles and doesn't look away immediately you're halfway there. The next time, say 'good morning', 'how was your weekend?', 'I love this weather', etc. Baby steps. Keep making lots of eye contact. Work your way up to 'how about lunch?'. By the time you ask for 'THE DATE' you'll have a pretty good idea what the answer will be and you won't be so stressed that you lose the capacity for speech.

On the other hand, if you catch her looking at *you* and she smiles, just let her reel you in with her eyes cause you know she's interested. Just try not to say anything to kill the deal. Try and get her to talk about herself. The more you say about yourself, the more likely you are to kill her fantasy.

I wish somebody had clued me into this stuff when I was a teenager.

 

[richpalm]

[ QUOTE ]
Negeltu said:
I used to think I was "just" shy.. but I know now that I have social anxiety disorder... It's been a rough go for me in life..

[/ QUOTE ]

Same here-generalized anxiety disorder coupled with major depression. Unfortunately in the '80's I turned to alcohol to self-medicate and wound up in AA since 1985. The 12 steps were my out but the anxiety is still major major. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif

Gotta talk to some of you folks living in TX and AZ-I usually don't get through the winter without a major episode or hospital stay.

Used to go to those single's groups-women didn't want anything to do with you unless you had a BMW and a roll of hundreds. Don't waste your energy. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif

I was blessed to meet my wife via AA after I got some confidence. Took a long time, too. No kids, thank God-don't like 'em. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon15.gif

Yes-Ido get static about flashlights. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon8.gif

Rich

 

[IsaacHayes]

Another thing point I'd like to make. Even though it was suggested not to go after the hottest looking girl, you can if you want. I used to think man, she's hot, she'd never be interested in me. Well I was wrong I've had a couple very hot girls interested in me, and not just for sex. I'm a nice guy and I figured they were just interested in that, but that wasn't the case as they were attracted to me before they even knew me...

Another point of this is don't judge people. I'm very good at observing and finding out what kind of person people are, but you never know how they will react to you. You could see a girl and think she's nice but also think she is too preppy/stuck up/etc to ever like you. I was wrong twice on this. Just they way they look or carry themsevles can be decieving. Of course I've had the reverse happen too but that just proves my point too.

 

[stockwiz]

That's some good advice, I'll keep it in mind. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif I thought it was so good I stuck it in a word document. I especially like numbers 2 and 5 and see how they would help me out in my situation because I have problems with both those issues.

I've never been much into weight lifting but I already run whenever it's nice out, 12-20 miles per week, so I've got that covered. I consider myself a hopeless romantic of sorts as well. It seems like lots of women who say they like the "nice guys" get bored with them and go back to the others sometimes. I guess I should broaden my horizons.. but in the end I am who I am and I don't mind that one bit.

/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[BF Hammer]

Raggie, this subject strikes very close to home for me. I'm soon to be 37 and trying to strike up a conversation with a lady who I'm feeling atracted to has always been difficult for me to do. I've gotten better at just being able to chit-chat over the years, but I still get extremely shy and almost to the point of my voice stammering when trying to ask for a date or even a phone #. I think it is similar to the fear that chronic studderers feel when they speak, except I do keep control of my speaking. I think it's important to understand that all women are different, and some will see your (or shall I say our) shyness as being somewhat sweet, and others will just lose all interest in somebody that doesn't show anything but full confidence. Keep trying, and you will eventually meet the girl who thinks shyness is sweet. Don't fear rejection. It will happen, and it will happen more times than you care to live through, but 1 success will make up for being burned 20 or so times. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/thumbsup.gif

 

[dtsoll]

Raggie, Practice, practice, practice, it will build confidence. Eventually, you will say "man, that was a piece of cake". I used to use "liquid courage" to help me be less nervous around women. I ended up in AA just like Richpalm did!! Best thing that ever happened to me btw!! It's all about self asteem, you gotta believe you are a worthwhile person!! Confidence will soon follow, so will the chicks /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif Doug /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[KC2IXE]

I can't give any advice. I had a couple of "dates" but I'm lucky - The right girl came along, asked ME out, and we've been married now for 16 years this summer. Yep, married my first real girlfriend! We had known each other for 3-4 years before we started dating. Worked out - we were friends first, so...

BTW My best friend (still) introduced us - he's known my wife since she was 4 - he's ONLY known me since I was 11

 

[BB]

You may also want to read a book such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships.

As I remember, it is a pretty simple read and it really shows the differences between men and women reasons for communication.

Men want to talk to fix things.

Women want to talk to share feelings and experiences.

There is no better way to cause conversational grief when you make a suggestion on how the woman can fix her problem... Whether you are dating or married. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

-Bill

PS: And get them talk about themselves... It works on two levels, the first is everyone likes to talk about themselves. And second, it will help prevent you putting your foot in your mouth early on in the conversation. -BB

 

[Kristofg]

The Mars/Venus book is great at helping you to understand the differences and learning that it's ok to talk about things without having to come up with a solution (which we think is expected of us)

What helped me most to overcome shyness was having a girl as best friend. You get to understand the why and the expectations and what is important. Flirting and teasing does boost your ego and self-confidence. And it does get easier over time and experience.

 

[BB]

And lastly, stop hanging around too much at CPF which is 99.9% male!

Are we back down to one woman poster again? Hmmm, Sasha is also the house mother (Sys Admin) here too. What does that tell you about us? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

-Bill

 

[raggie33]

lol belive it or not ive done things from being at this forum id never do. i would never in a million years trust anyone to buy something online before i came here. just bought my 3rd order today .darn lights are adcitve

 

[KingSmono]

I totally know where you're comin from Raggie... I'm incredibly shy too when it comes to girls! I hate it, and I know that the only way to get over it is to get out there and face my fears...but I still can't bring myself to approach random girls! Thankfully, I was fortunate enough that my current girlfriend made all the moves...LOL! We worked together, and she pretty much made it obvious that she wanted to hang-out outside of work! She made it VERY easy for me!! We've been together for almost a year and a half now, and I'm the happiest I've ever been! You're time will come, and believe it or not, it almost always comes when you're not expecting it... so don't stress about it too much!

-Smono

 

[Stainless]

The only rhing a can do is to echo the suggestion about getting involved with some sort of COED volunteer activity.
YOU have something to offer "them." You therefore become IMPORTANT to the organization. Being side by side with women - working toward a common shared goal - SHOULD be much less stressfull than going face to face "promoting your personal agenda."

 

[BentHeadTX]

I used to be shy back in the day.
As I got older, I got bolder! The concept of doing something COED really helped me. My younger sister corrupted me with her friends and that brought me out of my shell. Women have the same fears and problems as men, they can be just as odd as we are.
I lived in Arkansas some years back and found the solution by accident. Weekend college classes and group projects forced me to figure out were to study. One day, I told the other guys we should meet at a Barnes and Noble on Saturday at 10AM. We had a project to hammer out and if we needed some sources, it was there. Drink some coffee, check some books and discuss the project without getting in trouble for noise.
As we were putting the project together, eating a bagel and sucking down coffee...the other two guys noted something odd. We were the only men in the store! Must of been 20-30 females and no guys. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/naughty.gif
The Arkansas Razorbacks were having a game so all the guys were watching the game! The two other guys just picked up a book, started reading them and observed. The girls there were watching them, so they decided to check for other books.
They came back and we finished the project, after that... we did projects at Barnes and Noble! At that bookstore, they have classes involving making things. You got it, all women in the class messing around with sticks and such.
If certain things interest you, just hang out in that section of the store. I enjoy reading so it is a comfortable place for me. At least you know they are literate and generally pretty decent people.
There ya go, a very low stress place to meet quality people. Be careful though, some of them are more shy than you.

 

[PhotonWrangler]

One of the secrets that I've learned over the years is that others are usually more worried about how they come across to others. I think that everyone has at least a little bit of this insecurity. Recognizing this in others can be of some help in realizing that you're not inferior to them.

 

[Sinjz]

[ QUOTE ]
raggie33 said:
im kinda of a atractive guy i get smiles when i go out, but soon as a woemn makes eye contact with me i look at ground. and lose my voice man i am the shyiest guy in world. its very frustarating. are any of you all shy?

[/ QUOTE ]

At least you're kind of attractive. Knowing that, you can probably overcome your shyness much more easily than those of us who are shy and ugly. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif Time to crawl back into my shell. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/help.gif BTW lots of good advice here, but please don't be fake. I hate people who are fake.

 

[notamchris]

[ QUOTE ]
Sinjz said:
At least you're kinda of attractive. Knowing that, you can probably come over your shyness must more easily than those of us who are shy and ugly. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif Time to crawl back into my shell. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon23.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/help.gif BTW lots of good advice here, but please don't be fake. I hate people who are fake.

[/ QUOTE ]

One funny note about the ugly/attractive debate. I am sure that it does make a bit of a difference, but it seems that confidence is _way_ more important than physical appearance. I have seen so many situations where ugly people have way more luck than very attractive people. I am also surprised just how many people have a very real shyness/lack of confidence problem. (add me to the list, although I am way better than I used to be).

There have been some very good points all around though.

 

[Icebreak]

[ QUOTE ]
BentHeadTX said:
...We were the only men in the store! Must of been 20-30 females and no guys.

...after that...we did projects at Barnes and Noble!

...There ya go, a very low stress place to meet quality people.

[/ QUOTE ]

Sheer genius!

 

[V8TOYTRUCK]

I too was shy all the way up to junior year in high school. When I was a senior, I joined a few clubs, and I just had a awesome boost in self confidence from meeting with all these people.

Now a senior in college, I am pretty confident in most social situations, while not the life of the party Im not the wall flower either. Joining the gym, and putting on a few lbs of muscle definitely helped my self confidence. Taking a few public speaking classes and working on the college paper (going out there and meeting people) also helpped. Confidence is the way to go with girls, if you think you are ''Da man'' and walk and talk like you are ''Da man'' girls will think so too. No umms, eerrrr, ughhhs, you think maybes. No slouching! One thing I try to avoid now is making fun of myself while on the date, I think it shows weakness. Update us Raggie