Flashlightboy
Enlightened
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2001
- Messages
- 856
I'm generally a very private person but after reading about the personal illnesses and deaths of family here I've decided to open up a bit and share the end of a life with all of you. Perhaps it's theraputic to help me understand and deal with the inevitable.
Almost two years and a half years ago he called me to say that he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer even though a full body scan taken a few months earlier for a routine check up revealed nothing. He was in excellent health with no risk or genetic factors. Initially he began treatment at Mayo and later transferred to Stanford and even with these excellent facilities he was given 13 months to live. Fortunately, he has been with us for 27.
Along this awful journey he has been through chemo with side effects that would make you want to cry. He has been through radiation and been left with burns that made it impossible to sleep at night. More chemo followed and there were times that we thought he was near death but with a strong fighter spirit he pulled through only to face another round of treatment.
Eventually his cancer spread to his spine and began eating away at his L4 vertebrae. The choices were poor: either do nothing and face collapsing of his spine with near certain paralysis or have surgery to put in rods to stabilize him for some ability to walk. He chose the later and they cut him open from the base of his neck to his tailbone but they could only get out 40% of the cancer.
He underwent Cyberknife treatment that will one day be common but right now it shows a lot of promise for some types of cancer but not others. It does not treat lung cancer and so we watched as he began coughing up ever increasing amounts of blood. It was bright red and the doctors said it was from the growing cancer that was about the size of golf ball but that other spots on his lung would eventually do the same thing. Throughout his pain and agony he said he loved us and that family and friends who care made it worthwhile.
Recently he has been having terrible pain but it's relieved with morphine. That makes him constipated and so he's been in the hospital at 8 pm or 1 am and seemingly every other day facing toxic posioning until they can clean him out. He's had enemas every third day but that assumes he doesn't throw up the food he's just eaten. Anti nausea medication really doesn't help that much.
His arms are black and blue and he's tired. His blood levels are dropping to the point that only daily transfusions will keep him alive but that will only prolong the inevitable.
I flew in last weekend and helped with projects around the house that he'd do if he felt better. I think he was almost ashamed that he couldn't do them himself but he was glad that they were done and he thanked me withthe love and appreciation that perhaps only a father and oldest son understand. I don't know for sure but I could sense it.
We had a heart to heart talk and I told him that he had been more courageous than I think I ever could have been but that he didn't have to fight anymore if didn't want to. No would would question whether his decision was right or wrong but that I was glad that he was still here and that I appreciated the strength he'd shown to all of his family and how he'd been a good father that hasn't disappointed us. He said he understood and would let me know.
A few hours ago he called and said he'd made up his mind not to go on with further treatment. Given his state of health he has about 2 weeks to live, perhaps a little less. I'll speak with his doctor shortly but right know he's made the decision to die in the hospital instead of at home. The hospital is kind enough to put him in a private room and bring in a bed for my mom so she can sleep with him and be near him until he passes on.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring but as I type this tears are pouring out of my eyes. I want to face his death head on with the same compassion and courage he's shown to all of us. I will miss him dearly.
Almost two years and a half years ago he called me to say that he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer even though a full body scan taken a few months earlier for a routine check up revealed nothing. He was in excellent health with no risk or genetic factors. Initially he began treatment at Mayo and later transferred to Stanford and even with these excellent facilities he was given 13 months to live. Fortunately, he has been with us for 27.
Along this awful journey he has been through chemo with side effects that would make you want to cry. He has been through radiation and been left with burns that made it impossible to sleep at night. More chemo followed and there were times that we thought he was near death but with a strong fighter spirit he pulled through only to face another round of treatment.
Eventually his cancer spread to his spine and began eating away at his L4 vertebrae. The choices were poor: either do nothing and face collapsing of his spine with near certain paralysis or have surgery to put in rods to stabilize him for some ability to walk. He chose the later and they cut him open from the base of his neck to his tailbone but they could only get out 40% of the cancer.
He underwent Cyberknife treatment that will one day be common but right now it shows a lot of promise for some types of cancer but not others. It does not treat lung cancer and so we watched as he began coughing up ever increasing amounts of blood. It was bright red and the doctors said it was from the growing cancer that was about the size of golf ball but that other spots on his lung would eventually do the same thing. Throughout his pain and agony he said he loved us and that family and friends who care made it worthwhile.
Recently he has been having terrible pain but it's relieved with morphine. That makes him constipated and so he's been in the hospital at 8 pm or 1 am and seemingly every other day facing toxic posioning until they can clean him out. He's had enemas every third day but that assumes he doesn't throw up the food he's just eaten. Anti nausea medication really doesn't help that much.
His arms are black and blue and he's tired. His blood levels are dropping to the point that only daily transfusions will keep him alive but that will only prolong the inevitable.
I flew in last weekend and helped with projects around the house that he'd do if he felt better. I think he was almost ashamed that he couldn't do them himself but he was glad that they were done and he thanked me withthe love and appreciation that perhaps only a father and oldest son understand. I don't know for sure but I could sense it.
We had a heart to heart talk and I told him that he had been more courageous than I think I ever could have been but that he didn't have to fight anymore if didn't want to. No would would question whether his decision was right or wrong but that I was glad that he was still here and that I appreciated the strength he'd shown to all of his family and how he'd been a good father that hasn't disappointed us. He said he understood and would let me know.
A few hours ago he called and said he'd made up his mind not to go on with further treatment. Given his state of health he has about 2 weeks to live, perhaps a little less. I'll speak with his doctor shortly but right know he's made the decision to die in the hospital instead of at home. The hospital is kind enough to put him in a private room and bring in a bed for my mom so she can sleep with him and be near him until he passes on.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring but as I type this tears are pouring out of my eyes. I want to face his death head on with the same compassion and courage he's shown to all of us. I will miss him dearly.